Fetishizing Hair Textures

Fetishizing Hair Textures: A Call for Introspection for Parents of Black and Biracial Children

As parents of Black or biracial children, celebrating their beauty is a natural instinct—especially when it comes to their hair. But without realizing it, admiration of your child’s hair can sometimes shift into something more complicated: fetishizing certain hair textures. This subtle but harmful behavior can negatively impact your child’s self-esteem and perception of beauty. It’s important to take a step back and reflect on how unconscious biases might shape the way you speak about, think about, and treat your child’s hair.

Understanding Unconscious Bias

Unconscious bias can be tricky to recognize because it often comes from deeply ingrained preferences we may not be aware of. This is especially true when it comes to hair textures, as society often places higher value on looser curls or straighter hair while viewing tighter curls, coils, or kinks as “difficult” or “unruly.”

As parents, your children look to you for validation and confidence in who they are. If your child feels that their hair texture isn’t celebrated in the same way as another, it can leave a lasting impression on how they view themselves. Your words and actions around hair—especially before and during hair care time—can have a profound impact on their self-esteem and how they define beauty.

Texture-Positive Language: More Than Just Words

Fostering a healthy perception of hair begins long before you sit down to detangle or style. Conversations about your child’s hair, especially before hair care time, are a prime opportunity to build their confidence. Here are some examples of texture-positive language and conversations you can have with your child:

Before Hair Care Time:

- Instead of saying, “Let’s get your hair done, it’s looking wild,” try saying, “It’s time to take care of your beautiful curls today. They deserve the same love and attention you do.”

- Rather than, “Your hair is getting messy,” you could say, “Your hair has so much personality. Let’s get it refreshed and bring out its shine.”

By framing hair care as a loving, affirming experience rather than a chore, you’re helping your child associate their natural hair with positivity.

Celebrating Texture Without Comparison:

- Avoid saying, “I love how soft your curls are; they’re so easy to style,” especially if this comes at the expense of another hair texture. Instead, focus on the unique qualities of their hair: “I love how your hair curls and coils—it’s so full of life and character.”

- Replace phrases like “good hair” with “strong hair” or “healthy hair.” For example, say, “Your hair is so strong and healthy. It’s beautiful just the way it is,” instead of implying that looser curls or more “manageable” hair is superior.

During Hair Care:

- Instead of focusing on hair that’s “hard to manage” or “difficult,” shift to language that celebrates resilience and beauty. For example, say, “Your hair is so versatile and beautiful. Let’s find the style that makes you feel amazing today.”

- You can also ask your child for their input: “What do you like most about your curls today? How do you want to style them?” This builds a sense of ownership and pride in their hair.

Compliments That Empower:

- When complimenting your child’s hair, be mindful not to compare textures. Comments like “I wish I had hair like yours” or “Your curls are so much better than mine” can create pressure and confusion. Instead, focus on how their hair expresses their individuality. For example, “Your hair is such a beautiful reflection of you. It’s perfect in its own unique way.”

- If your child compliments someone else’s hair, acknowledge the beauty in that hair while also affirming theirs: “Yes, their hair is lovely! And your curls are equally beautiful in their own way.”

Recognizing and Addressing Bias

Now that you’re equipped with texture-positive language, it’s essential to recognize any unconscious biases you may have about hair textures. Here are a few steps to help with that process:

Reflect on Your Own Perceptions: Start by examining how you’ve been conditioned to view hair. Do you naturally gravitate toward looser curls or straighter hair? Have you ever used terms like “manageable” to describe one type of hair while expressing frustration with another? Be honest with yourself. Recognizing these biases is the first step toward changing them.

Listen to Your Child: Children often pick up on subtle cues and may internalize preferences you don’t realize you’re showing. Ask your child how they feel about their hair and listen closely to what they say. Are they expressing frustration because they sense your bias? Encouraging open conversations about their feelings can help you adjust your language and approach.

Learn and Celebrate Black Hair Diversity: One of the best ways to combat bias is by educating yourself on the rich diversity of Black hair. Learn about the various textures, styles, and the history behind them. The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to celebrate all hair types without favoring one over the other.

Challenge Beauty Standards: Society often places looser curls and straighter hair on a pedestal, while tighter curls are seen as more “difficult” or less desirable. Actively challenge these beauty standards by speaking up when you see these biases in media, toys, or even in family conversations. Teach your child that beauty comes in many forms, and they are beautiful just as they are.

Fetishizing certain hair textures, even unconsciously, can have lasting effects on your child’s self-esteem and identity. As parents, we have a responsibility to ensure our children feel loved, accepted, and celebrated in every aspect of who they are—including their hair.

By using texture-positive language and reflecting on your own biases, you can create a nurturing environment that uplifts your child’s natural beauty. Remember, your words and actions play a vital role in how your child views themselves and their hair. Let’s make sure those words empower them to embrace their unique curls, coils, and kinks with pride and confidence.

To learn more about Black hair care and gain valuable tools to support your child, visit tutustennisshoes.com. to purchase an e-book, schedule a virtual consultation, or sign up for the full course, The Beauty and Science of Black Hair Care.